Sometimes life is more about surviving than living. Has anyone else experienced those times? Things are just so busy and chaotic that there really isn’t one moment to just sit down and relax. Not one. I have something close to twenty-three messages on my cell phone, and I’m sure a significant amount of older ones to delete before I can hear the new ones, but I honestly can’t seem to find a moment to check them. This moment, as I type this, might be the first time in nearly a week, where I can hear my own thoughts.
So right now I am surviving. Breathing in and out. Trying to keep everyone happy. And trying not to ask myself whether others have it easier, or if other people are just better at hiding that they too are struggling. My writing is all but forgotten. Occasionally, I reread what I’ve already written, amongst the chaos, just to assure myself that I did once have time to write.
I’ve also been trying to hold onto the shreds of empathy and understanding that I usually value so dearly, but I’ve been slipping more than a bit. When a friend complained about her bad haircut, I forced myself not to yell. But I did give myself the small satisfaction of an unkind thought: I’d give almost anything for time to get my haircut. Someone in a little car cuts me off and takes my parking spot, then sprints out, completely unencumbered by car seats and kids to carry. I fantasize about all their tires going flat, as I park a gruesome distance from the store. And at those rare times I complain to someone, I try really hard not to hate the people who suggest that I’m the one who chose to have kids. (Helpful, huh?)
Instead, I try to just survive, because if I set my goals low, little things delight me. A baby cooing, a toddler speaking a new word, a husband saying I look beautiful, even when I don’t. These are the things I hold dear to me now, as I survive. Because I know at the end of all this, I will miss these strange days. I won’t miss the lack of free time, but I will miss so many other things.
I know this is more mom related than writing related, but this is what is going on in my crazy world right now.